More Than Just a Glitch???

I never stop being amazed at how such simple things can speak to me.  Today it was a simple Disney movie which started me thinking (and to be perfectly honest it was a Disney movie I wasn't even convinced I wanted to see!).  I guess I shouldn't be surprised that so often it is movies or books geared towards children that get me thinking about the big things, because that's their purpose.  Kids books and movies aren't just for entertaining them (at least not the good ones!).  They tackle the big issues in an entertaining way and are designed to get kids thinking about them and starting to understand them at whatever level they can.  And yet still I was surprised when I left the movie theatre today after watching Wreck It Ralph and found myself pondering the whole issue of identity.

Identity is a tricky one for probably most people in the world, and I know it has always been a struggle for me!  And perhaps one of the reasons the movie and the whole issue of identity resonated so clearly with me after watching that movie is because I suddenly find myself stripped of my identity and not knowing who I really am.  For my whole life I have been the sweet, loving, fat girl who works with kids.  That was my identity (at least as far as I saw it!).  And now everything has been turned on its head.

Four months ago I was diagnosed with an incurable disease.  I have Crohn's Disease.  It's never going away.  It will be part of my life forever.  Regardless of who else and what else I am from now on, illness will always be a part of that.  Is that my identity???  Well no, but it is a huge part of who I am now and that's a lot to swallow.  On top of that I have lost every aspect of what I considered my identity.  My disease has caused me to lose 100lbs over the past year and a half . . . don't get me wrong, I'm beyond thrilled about that!  I love being at a healthy weight and actually being able to buy single digit sized pants and size medium tops.  But there are a lot of unexpected strings attached to that much weight loss.  I've been a fat girl my whole life . . . I literally cannot remember a time when I wasn't fat!  That's who I've always been and I don't know how to be anything else.  My disease (or perhaps more accurately the medications I take to manage my disease) also cause me to be very irritable and moody and I find that I no longer love working with children . . . in fact I try to avoid them at all costs because they irritate and annoy me.  Children used to bring me such joy!  Now I can't stand them.  Children were probably the biggest part of my identity as I saw it and now that's gone.  I used to be sweet and loving, but now I'm angry and bitter.  I have a disease which has changed my life, but I feel like it has also stolen my identity and I don't know who I am any more.

So with all that back story about identity and me brings me to the story of Wreck It Ralph.  It's a movie which on the surface is just about video games, but which really delves into issues of trust, heroism, friendship, self worth, and of course identity.  The premise of the movie is that the villain of one video game (Ralph) decides he doesn't want to be the bad guy any more; he wants to be the hero!  But bad guy is his identity.  The other characters in his game see him only as a villain and treat him as such whether the game is being played or not.  They can't see past his label of "bad guy" to see who he really is.  In an attempt to prove to the others that he is more than just a bad guy, Ralph visits another video game to win a medal and ends up stealing one and then crash lands in yet a third game where his medal is stolen by a little girl who he later befriends.  It is in this third game (Sugar Rush) where the issue of identity is touched on yet again.  The young girl Ralph befriends (Vanillope) wants to race cars like all the other girls, but she isn't allowed to participate because she is just a glitch in the game and was "never supposed to exist."  By the end of the movie it is revealed that Vanillope not only was always supposed to exist, but she was the true princess of the game and her glitchy qualities end up saving everyone!

So here we have two characters both struggling with identity.  Both are told by others what their identity is (bad guy and just a glitch), but both long to be something more (hero and a racer).  And I think what I like most about the movie is that both of them were able to embrace their identities, negative connotations and all, and twist them around into who they actually wanted to be!  By the end of the movie Ralph is still  the "bad guy" in his particular video game, but he truly is a hero!  He saves the day when Sugar Rush is invaded by cyborg beetle things, but more than that, he saves all the characters in his own video game who were always so cruel to him.  He could have chosen to leave his video game forever and not have to be the "bad guy" any more, but then his game would have been unplugged and all the other characters in the game would be lost forever.  The game couldn't function without him, so by being the "bad guy" Ralph is actually being a great guy!  And of course I cannot forget about Vanillope!  Are there glitchy parts of her??? Absolutely!  But she was never just a glitch!  And it is when she embraces her glitchy tendencies that she is able to partner with Ralph to save the game, and also to win the race which reveals that she is actually the princess of Sugar Rush.

So what does that say about identity???  I think it says that identity is so much more than how others see us and even more than how we see ourselves.  Our identity is who we are . . . the whole part of who we are and I don't think we ever know the entirety of what that is.  Ralph was never just a bad guy and Vanillope was never just a glitch.  Yes he was the bad guy and she was had glitches, but that was only part of who they were.  Yes I was a sweet, loving, fat girl who worked with kids, but that was only part of who I was . . . it was never my full identity as much as I thought it was.  So I guess I haven't lost my full identity . . . it is still true that those aren't really who I am right now, but I think our identities can change over time and different parts of who we are come to the forefront at different times.  There will be some things that stay the same (the core of our identities if you will), but we as humans are not static beings, we are always changing, and I think our identities change too.  But I think the most important thing I took away from the movie is how we need to embrace all aspects of our identity and not let others look down on us for it.  There are always going to be parts of who we are that we don't like, but if it's part of who you are, embrace it!  And if possible, twist it around and turn it into something positive! 

Now obviously this is easier said than done.  I've spent most of my life believing I was just a glitch!  And of course when I finally had reached a point in my life where I was happy with who I was and ready to embrace the fact that I wasn't a glitch I developed this disease and now I have to find a way to embrace this disease and be happy with who I am as a woman with Crohn's disease.  If I am being honest, developing this disease feels like a glitch.  It feels like something has gone horribly wrong in the great plan that was my life and now I'm left picking up the pieces of my shattered hopes and dreams.  I hate pretty much everything about what this disease has meant for my life so far and yet I find  myself wondering . . . is it just a glitch???  Vanillope hated her glitchy tendencies, but they had a purpose.  Ralph disliked being the bad guy but that had its purpose too.  Could there possibly be some purpose here???  Is it more than just a glitch???